


fist contact

by ironic_boner



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, First Contact, Gen, but no actual sex, discussion of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 02:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17695565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironic_boner/pseuds/ironic_boner
Summary: “Repeat that - the natives greet each otherhow?” Jim demands. Uhura has to be pulling his leg. They can’t really - that’sobscene. Andelaborate.





	fist contact

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: Inspired by [this tumblr post](http://adreadfulidea.tumblr.com/post/169184068423/lierdumoa-evilminji-moonsofavalon).

“Repeat that - the natives greet each other _how_?” Jim demands. Uhura has to be pulling his leg. They can’t really - that’s _obscene_. And _elaborate_.

Uhura grins at him. “You heard me.”

Jim glances around at his bridge crew. Some of them are listening to Uhura’s First Contact briefing with huge, if slightly horrified, amusement; others are turning red and pretending it’s not happening. Chekov looks like he wants to die. 

Should Chekov even be hearing this?

Honestly, _Jim_ shouldn’t even be hearing this.

“I’m not doing that!” Jim says. “And I take offence to how amusing you find this.”

“Well, _I_ took offence to you grabbing my boobs the first time we met, so…” Uhura shrugs as if to indicate she really does not give a shit what Jim is offended by.

Jim blinks. “Wait, I thought you forgave me for that.”

“Forgave, maybe. Forgot? _Definitely_ not,” Uhura says, smirking and leaning back and twirling a bit in her chair.

She’s enjoying this _way_ too much.

“Why _me_?” Jim whines.

Bones - who’s one of the “listening with way too much amusement” crowd - cackles. “They probably assigned you for this on _purpose_ , kid. They went through their list of captains and decided you were the most likely to be fine with sticking your hand up an alien’s -”

“Yeah, okay!” Jim interrupts. “They can’t really ask me to do this, right? It’d be sexual harassment, or something.”

“The demands of First Contact are quite clear,” Spock says. “You must conform to the local greeting customs.”

“Right,” Jim says, deriving a little bit of hope from the lack of enthusiasm Spock displays.

Well, it’s not like Spock ever displays much enthusiasm, but at least he’s not openly gleeful like Jim’s other crew members and supposed friends.

“C’mon, Spock,” he says. “You can’t tell me if this was _your_ job, you’d be happy to - to do something like this. It’s obscene!”

Spock raises an eyebrow at him. “When Vulcans made First Contact with Earth, a Vulcan shook hands with a human. The moment was photographed and shared widely among humans; the greeting symbolized that Vulcans were a civilized people willing to coexist peacefully with humans. It is a pivotal point in your history. Are you not willing to do the same for some other civilization?”

“Wait,” Bones says. “Are you telling me that photo - the one that’s in my little girl’s history texts - is of a Vulcan having _sex_ with a human?”

“That was not my point, Doctor,” Spock says.

“What _was_ your point?” Jim asks, propping his chin on his hands. “Did you think telling me my ass is going to be photographed and shared around an entire planet was going to encourage me?”

“Doesn’t it?” Uhura mutters.

“If you are quite firmly opposed to performing this greeting -“

“Firmly,” Sulu snickers. Chekov slumps down and buries his face in his arms.

“- Then as your first officer, I would act in your place.”

Everyone - except Chekov - turns to stare at Spock.

Bones asks what they’re all thinking: “ _You’re_ willing to perform sex acts with a stranger?”

“I will complete my duties as Starfleet requires.”

“Nobody’s requiring anything,” Bones argues. “You just volunteered.”

“Yeah,” Jim says suspiciously. Suddenly, now that Spock’s trying to take this away from him, he thinks he might not actually mind that much. “What, you want all the glory and alien sex for yourself?”

Hey, maybe Jim _wants_ to be known as the first guy who ever banged one of these aliens.

“I’m simply offering an alternative way to complete the mission, as you appear either unwilling or unable to -”

“I’m not _unable_ ,” Jim objects, as Sulu cackles.

“In any case, I will perform the greeting myself.”

“Whoa,” Jim says. “I’m the captain here, Spock. I decide that.”

“I was under the impression that you had decided you did not wish to do it. I am the logical alternative.”

“Maybe I _will_ do it,” Jim says.

*

“Oh my God,” Uhura mumbles, as Kirk and Spock devolve into bickering over which one of them gets to perform obscene sex acts on a complete stranger who’s a member of an alien race.

Bones, standing next to her, nods feelingly.

“You know,” she tells him quietly, “I was just going to let him squirm for a bit, and then tell him the women greet each other by bumping their foreheads together, so I was taking charge of the mission.”

Bones strangles his laugh into a loud cough.

Kirk’s making some argument that involves repeated gestures at the crotch and seat of his pants.

“Never tell him,” Bones recommends. “You’ll crush his dreams.”

“Agreed,” Uhura says. “I’ll just butt out.”


End file.
